Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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