Your face is a jimmy john
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave