glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
