If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
