did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
