I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
