it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
