Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
