Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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