i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
