BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
