I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
too bad you live with your parents still
babies were throwing up all over the place
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Randomize
