I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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