its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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