Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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