A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
where are you?
Hypothermia
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
