I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
