btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
