got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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