The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
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And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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