Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
