She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Even my vagina gasped.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
