I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
