i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
