So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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