I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
