I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
