Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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