You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
