I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
