Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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