My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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