Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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