i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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