mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
