I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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