You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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