Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
