my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
