My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
