onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
