Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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