the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
