Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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