im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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