I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
