Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
