you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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