I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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