he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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