Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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