she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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