So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
