see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
