Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
