he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
