i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
