I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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