I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
